Chasing my Mistakes

I've been sad lately and it is an emotion I don't appreciate. As a rule, I'm not a sad person. I've always thought it is easier to be happy -- to smile, to laugh, to enjoy life. But I've been sad and I can't seem to shake it. I've been thinking about "doing" something to find happiness, to find a minute of joy, a moment of relief from the sadness. But something keeps holding me back -- this little feeling in my gut that "doing" was not going to end well. (I blame yoga and how it's changed my sense of spirituality and the divine for this little tickling of doubt that "doing" wasn't going to make things better. Stupid yoga.) Whatever the reason, I couldn't seem to let go and just act.

I was talking with a someone I've grown close to the other night (someone who has great faith and belief in the grace of God) about my feelings of discontent --about wanting to do something that I knew probably wasn't good for me in the long run. I asked him how he wrestled with his desires and his faith. He sat back and pondered for a moment before slowly saying, "I don't chase my mistakes anymore."

I've been sitting with that statement for a couple of days now and it continues to resonate with me. Most of the things I've chased in the name of being happy have ended up being a mistake. They've ended up causing me more problems or pain than the fleeting moment of joy or happiness I experienced during the chase.

Yoga has a Niyama, one of the personal code of ethics, of Santosha or contentment. This Niyama basically teaches to find contentment in your current situation in life. Not to go chasing mistakes, but to embrace the experience -- even the sadness. I'm trying to remember that without sadness you can't appreciate happiness. So I'm going to accept my sadness and recognize that this is an experience that will teach me a lesson and pass when the time is right. I'm going to practice Santosha and try to be content in this moment until it passes. More importantly, I'm not going to chase my mistakes looking for happiness in something or someone else.

I may never tell the my friend how impactful his words were -- because I hate it when he's right and I'm wrong -- but I already feel a little better following this path. Maybe, just maybe, I too will stop chasing my mistakes and allow the journey to happen.

Peace and Love ~
Cathy

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